There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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