Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
