my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
