Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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