it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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