hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
