my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
