Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
