Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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