this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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