I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
