I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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