i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
