You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
