I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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