it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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