Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
