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Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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