There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
