I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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