Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
