I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
