why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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