Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
