Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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