I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
