In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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