I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
