I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
