Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
