He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
