You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
