It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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