dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
