So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
