Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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