what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
