I'm going to jail i love you
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
