My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i've created a new STD.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
