I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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