As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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