Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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