So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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