i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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