Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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