So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Operation Purity has been aborted
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
