apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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