Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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