I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
