You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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