I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
birth control should be required to get into college
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
